Chapter Focus Week 2007

God almighty was this a week to remember, and I use "God" very intentionally here. For the past week I was up in the often forgotten northern peninsula of Michigan, at InterVarsity USA's Cedar Campus for a week-long training event. An entire week away from the hectic city, away from (most) temptations, away from the internet, a week surrounded by fellow Christians genuinely doing their best to learn how to follow The Word.

Have I changed? Yes I have. Am I still sometimes snarky, cynical, frustrated, filled with lust, impatient, and who knows what? Indeed. But I think I've stepped through the narrow gates. It wasn't easy, I was sometimes confused, doubtful, and apprehensive. Yet overall I'll never regret this decision as long as I live.


Chapter Focus Week is divided into various different 'tracks', each emphasizing a different aspect of Christian life. Some are very pragmatic and focused towards serving within InterVarsity in the upcoming school year, such as the Small Group Leader tracks. Elsewhere, there were intensive Bible studies such as Mark I and II, Loving God's Story which went through the main points in most of the book within a week... but enough of that. The track that I was a part of was not like any of these. It was called... (drumroll) THE EDGE. Oh man, my track. I have never met a bunch of people so open and candid and willing to bare their lives, troubles, and struggles in efforts to get closer to God. I will be forever grateful to them, and I can't think of a better bunch of people to explore together with.

The edge of what? In a sense, that's what we explored during the week. Maybe you recently became a Christian or are on the edge of a major breakthrough in your spiritual growth. Wherever we were, ideally we would be able to go over the edge into a new place. Why was I there? Didn't I grow up in the church? Haven't I already gotten over this God thing? Well, apparently not. I did talk about being inspired by the lives and testimonies of Alan and the gang during my visit back to South Bend last summer.

But I don't think I ever really talked about what happened afterwards. Mrs. Shirley had encouraged me to search for InterVarsity at the University of Michigan, and so I did. Fortunately, we were both looking for each other. There was an outreach event called "Bubble Tea Bash". Quite obviously, I was attracted by that. It was hosted by the InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's sister chapter - Chinese Christian Fellowship. I actually didn't know the difference at the time, but at any rate I quickly made it my home away from home. I was often challenged about what it meant to be a Christian - not just one in name like in adolescence, but in action and faith this time. I think an important turning point was the Urbana Missions Conference in St. Louis last Christmas, where I began to feel inspired and knew that this was a path I wanted to continue walking down, but I just didn't know what it meant.

I consistently attended Bible Studies and Large Groups, but I never made a real commitment to Christ. I didn't really know what that meant; it seemed like a leap of faith that I was reluctant to make, and I was comfortable with where I was at the time. This changed when I was offered a leadership position in CCF 07-08 as a Daily Prayer Meeting leader. A requirement for accepting the position was to sign a covenant, and here I realized that I couldn't honestly sign it. I knew I'd be lying to myself, and I wasn't comfortable with it. It was because of this line:

The unique divine inspiration, entire trustworthiness and authority of the Bible.

My basis for being a Christian, for believing in the message of Christ's love was because of my being moved by the faith, testimony, and good will of my friends. Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a biblical basis for this - there was much I didn't understand, that I thought was intolerant, that I just plain disagreed with - I believed I had better judgment. I realized that my 'skepticism and objectivity' was just a facade for my apathy, fear, and lack of courage.

And so I went and decided that I would find out what it meant to cross The Edge, whatever it might be. I left Ann Arbor for a 5 hour drive up north. Frankly, I had forgotten exactly how large the United States was, and had underestimated the magnitude of a drive from southern to northern Michigan. At any rate, I gained more respect for large masses of land.

I was put in a cabin with 7 other guys from CCF/AIV (I forgot to mention that we're changing our name from Chinese Christian Fellowship to Asian InterVarsity, because we feel we're mature enough to leave our comfort zones and reach out to a broader segment of the general population, especially to the underreached Southeast Asian population). Spencer Chang, Dan Sa, Ken Tang, Dan Chen, Arthur Saye, Eric Chen, and Tom Carroll. A very interesting group of guys. One thing I'll say is that we had the funkiest smelling cabin in all of Cedar Campus. I'll admit that I was a *cough cough* significant part of the problem, as I was stupid enough to forget to pack socks. As such, I had one pair for the entire week until I borrowed a pair from Tom. It didn't really help much.

On the morning of the 29th, I got up for the sunrise along with Ken. I think it was an indication of how the week would go - more energized than I had been for years, more eager to learn...

April 29

Jeff exposited Matthew for us. I really didn't think about the fact that he was leaving us after this to go to seminary until the last night... it was really poignant. The Sermon on the Mount was an integral part of his expositions each day. I didn't really know that the 'blessed are the meek etc etc' lines were part of a larger segment called 'The Beatitudes'. All I can say here is that you can't fake those things. If the Sermon is Jesus' explanation for everything, then one must ask a preliminary diagnostic question: Now that you have been shown the character of the kingdom, do you like what you see? I was pretty sure I did. But it's easy to agree with the principles in such a godly and comfortable environment. At any rate, he left us at that and we began "A Retreat of Silence" for three hours.

Dang. My first retreat of silence. Frankly, I had no idea what to do. A time to be "alone with God". What the hell was that supposed to mean? At any rate, I packed my sack lunch and set off for a place by the beach. I found a decent rock, and sat there. I think I had the impression that the R.O.S. was supposed to bring about some kind of transcendent experience. Ultimately, I think the point of the afternoon was not a feeling experience, but a dedicated experience regardless of what happened.

For the Edge we were given a little booklet to work from for the week, and for the ROS that afternoon I read Mark 4:1-20, better known as "The Parable of the Sower". In short, Jesus talks about a farmer that goes out and scatters seed for his crops.

1. Some fell in the path, and birds ate them.
2. Some fell on thin soil and sprung up quickly, but were scorched by the sun.
3. Some fell among thorns which grew and choked the plants.
4. Some fell on good soil, and came up producing a bountiful crop.

He who has ears, let him hear. I think I was the second kind of seed - I sprung quickly when growing up in the church, but because I had no roots I was quickly scorched when I went to Taiwan, and lost my faith. At any rate, I sat there and contemplated this... for 3 hours. While I don't think I heard God's voice thundering down from the heavens, I think I heard his gentle whisper.

In the evening after dinner, we drew out our spiritual lifelines. I think I missed the point - apparently they were supposed to be something more like timelines. My 'roots' were Sunday School, AIV. On the other hand, places where I felt weaker in were the branches, and there I wrote 'prayer' and 'devotions'.

Somewhat predictably, I was swarmed by my fellow track members at my somewhat detailed tree. Apparently I'm an artist. I inexplicably established a relationship as a 'smart' guy, which was a compliment. I think it's because of my mini-debate with Hoi Nap (a member of our group) about the theory of evolution vs intelligent design/creationism. He's the first person I had ever met who took the Bible literally, word for word. Needless to say, he was quite interesting to talk to, and it's really sad that as an exchange student from Australia he'll have to return after this summer. A real live Christian Fundamentalist... I would meet many more in my days at Michigan.

Showers weren't as bad as I thought they'd be, what with being in a camp by the lake near a forest. We were told to get used to having to wait in line for cold showers, but I never had to wait, and most of the time there was always gas to heat the water when I wanted to shower. I guess I just got lucky. On the other hand, the water always tasted like sulfur. SH20, Yum. I was always checking to see if I had a nosebleed and was tasting that. Don't ask me why.

On a totally random note, I think people will remember me as "the Asian kid who played Chess every night" if they remember me at all. I hadn't realized that so many people knew how to play, and now I have a goal which is to play (and hopefully beat) every single person in InterVarsity.

Lights out was 12 each night, which helped me get up regularly at 7:30 AM or earlier consistently for an entire week, the first time I had ever done so since leaving Holistic. I'm so ashamed of the past few years. (Though that does make me proud of myself now) Each day after coming back to the cabin I would be greeted by the manly smell of stinky socks. These creations really are a simultaneous curse and blessing. Damned if you wear them repeatedly, even more damned if you don't at all.

April 30

Monday morning... Ken came up with an idea to photograph everything he ate for an entire year. I thought that was a pretty cool idea so I decided to try it with him, and promptly forgot to photograph lunch that day. I'm bad at committing like that. I haven't given up yet though! At any rate, we would always have an hour between breakfast and track for 'Quiet Time'. I remember thinking to myself, "What the heck is a Quiet Time?" I remember Margaret used the term once last semester, and we basically just studied the Bible and meditated on it. Apparently it's just reserving time for you and God to hang out. Sometimes it was tempting to use the time for a shower or some more sleep, though that would have been a waste because honestly, there are few places in the world that will intentionally pause for an hour of silent reflection.

For quiet time, I studied Luke 18:18-30 - The Rich Young Ruler. Basically the young man asked Jesus what he had to do in order to inherit eternal life. This is an interesting story for me especially because Jesus really messes with this guy. Where your treasure is, your heart will be. But seriously, the premise of the young man's question is already flawed - one does not earn his/her way into heaven. (Just like one does not simply ride into Mordor) One cannot be saved through their own actions, nobody rich or poor can save themselves. Many people hold onto things that separate them from God. For the young man, it was his wealth. For some, it may be sex. For some, it may be desire for power. Whatever it is, it's something that needs to be tossed out and replaced. We were each given a rock, and told to imagine that it symbolized the thing that was keeping us from giving up ourselves to God. Hopefully, we would all throw it away by the end of the week, preferably earlier than that.

I didn't throw away my rock that day. I didn't really know what to think.

After lunch, I played volleyball for the first time since elementary school. A good part of my track was that there was nobody that I already knew, most of them were not from the University of Michigan, coming instead from Western Michigan or Oakland University. As a result I was able to meet some new people more easily than if I had simply stayed with my friends. At any rate, I played really poorly. Volleyball's a lot harder than it looks. I'm pretty sure I stubbed my fingers several times.

Chapter Focus Week was awesome if only for one thing - fellowship with others. (I don't know how this has become a verb, but when in Rome...) I spent more time talking to different people within and without my fellowship in one week than I had one year, and I realized that I was really missing out. Random chats with people from other Universities while sitting in the lounge waiting to get dinner, playing pranks on anyone who returned to the cabin too late at night. (Traps were childish and simple. Basically in a homage to Calvin and Hobbes, we'd place a volleyball which we affectionately called 'Wilson' on top of the door frame so it would hit anyone who walked in without noticing. Later on we added shoes and oranges.) Oh Wilson, we miss thee.

I remember one of Jeff's expositions about the Bible quite clearly. (Ironically, I can't remember which night it was.) For me, I had always held a mythical view of the bible - it was all or nothing. Given this view, learning about redactors in the Bible made me somewhat uncomfortable, but I suppose it was unfounded. As Christians you can't be afraid of redaction criticisms - because we all know it happened. Hell, Deuteronomy depicts Moses' death. I guess I've moved on since my uninformed "Da Vinci Code" shakeup. I remember when Jeff was talking about Matthew, an important point was regarding the Pharisees. In most simplified terms, the message was to not be a hypocrite. But nowadays, we tend to stray in the opposite direction. We're not religiously showy. In fact, you have those extremely intent on NOT looking like a hypocrite. Of course, it's the same thing - it's about your own personal appearance, about satisfying yourself. The hypocrite looks for the praise of others, the anti-hypocrite praise from himself.

May 02

I really didn't have many notes for May 1st so now you get a recap of Wednesday because it's so much  cooler. First off, I turned 20 but didn't really bother to tell anyone. I think I'm one of the oldest Freshmen in AIV 2010. In part this was an experiment to see how many people knew me, and how well. Apparently, not really because as far as I know nobody remembered. I wasn't really surprised or particularly disappointed though. After all, we couldn't log on to Facebook. The day overall was a very good one. I started off the morning as usual with a Quiet Time, which I slowly enjoyed more and more over the course of the week. I used to say I didn't understand the Bible. Well, that's because I never read it. So this was a good start towards alleviating that problem.

The passage was 1 Thessalonians 4:1-10 - Living to please God. Basically it was one of the biblical views of relationships and sexuality. I don't think I ever really thought of these problems before with the big man upstairs. But it's like the elephant in the room that nobody talks about. We're all thinking about it. And so I read the verse. I have to admit at first glance I wasn't impressed. Hell, we talked about deeper things in "The Class" in Taiwan. And so I read it again. I still couldn't really figure out what the Christian perspective was on this, but at least it helped me enter a more objective frame of reference for the panel afterwards.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I'm not going to describe most of the things we talked about in the panel discussion on relationships and sexuality. It's kind of graphic. Sufficeth to say our group didn't hold anything back with the questions. It was certainly informative, but I think the most important point I gleaned out of it was that you need to put up your boundaries. Don't date for pleasure, or it makes people disposable. I suppose that's a somewhat callous way to put it, but it makes sense. We were advised to always keep in mind that dating is a commitment; it takes time, money, and energy. Every person is valuable to God, and it isn't good to waste their time and affections.

Frankly, I'm not very good with relationships. My last one lasted nearly two years and left me quite drained and jaded. I certainly like to think I've matured and grown since then, but the paradigm has to shift. I remember those wiser than me would talk about boundaries. I think we as humans think of boundaries as negative things, teenagers in particular. Well, fences keep things out but with a gate things can come in and out as well. There are physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries. The last one tends to me the most confusing one, and it's something I never really thought about.

The really confusing part was regarding spiritual boundaries - in a nutshell, it would be pragmatic to ask yourself "is this person going to help me grow?" In essence, keeping one another's best interests in mind is crucial. If you're going along with things that will screw other people up, then you should really take a step back and look closely at the sort of life you're living. Of course, that brings up the issue of the grey area; things that do not seem so clear cut. For example, think about the issue of self pleasure.

The problem is that it's not just lust, it's about self gratification - your immediate gratification. Impatience, all about yourself. And that's the primary problem with it. (Obviously there may be medical issues with doing it too much if you're a guy but that's a story for another day) There's certainly a biological physical desire and need. But deeper, it's an emotional need. You have to recognize what you're looking for, what you need. Don't only fight it at the moment of temptation, fight it with your own life. When you're alone, you're alone with God. I created the image on the left once out of sheer amusement, but if you think about it, it's true. Perhaps a bit disturbing.

I had never really thought of it from that perspective before, and it certainly was both condemning and yet refreshing. I think that's really something that I lack in life, someone to hold me accountable and call me out when I stray from the path. I used to make commitments and then fail to keep them because I felt they were trivial, and ultimately I was still walking down a (general) path towards God regardless of my actions. Well, apparently they're not trivial - like Jesus tells those who ask him what must be done to inherit internal life, it's not just about your external actions; it's about your mindset and attitude.

God's not just there to save us when we die. If you are a believer because you're simply afraid of what the afterlife might be (or that there isn't one) then you're basically using God as fire insurance, nothing more.

I was still processing the plethora of information gleaned from the panel when I came across my "rock" when going through my backpack looking for the camera. I stopped and considered it. Perhaps it's cheesy, trite, and unimaginative, but I felt my 20th birthday would be as good a day as any to chuck that rock as far as I could into the lake. But in order to chuck it, I still had to understand what my rock actually stood for. It should be mentioned that Wednesday was our day of Sabbath, so we had no further track or exposition for the day. We were given time for a second Retreat of Silence. So once again, I sat and thought. I have to admit, I'm not very good at these. My mind just wanders very easily, especially if it's kind of chilly outside.


So it was with a unsettled mind that I left for Narnia with the rest of the fellowship. (Narnia is a place by the lake with a bunch of rocks; you get there by going through a forest trail) I say unsettled in as positive a way as possible. Sometimes it is best to be challenged. What is my rock, the thing(s) that I treasure more than God? What are my riches that I can't give up? I wasn't sure. But what I did know was that if my goal was to open my heart and open my eyes to God's hand reaching down to me, this was the best group of people to do it with. AIV had just upped the ante for me, and I was choosing to play the game.

The beginning of the trail made me feel like I was a hamster, because they had paved the path with wood shavings to counteract all the mud. It got more natural after awhile though. And yes, hiking meant more time to talk with friends. That's the thing about CFW, when you have free time there really isn't much to do besides interact with others. So we talked about movies, about music, about books... (I stand by my claim stating that sequels tend to lower the bar. C'mon, the Matrix? Scary Movie? Blade?) After about half an hour's walk, we got to an area that looked kind of like the marshes from Lord of the Rings. I could just imagine Gollum hopping about going, "Come Master! Smeagol knows the way!" We also saw this strange mini island with trees growing out of it. Feeling intrigued, 4 crazy people - Bonita, Margaret, Ken, and myself headed out towards it. Why not? That's slowly how I approached my fears regarding Jesus as well. Follow him... why not? Now that you have seen the character of the kingdom, are you reluctant to follow?

Okay, the kingdom was actually the furthest thing from my mind. All I could think about was how cold the water was. Somehow we decided that it would be *fun* to wade through the shallow water and make up for some lost ground rather than going around. In hindsight, doing that while wearing jeans probably wasn't a very good idea. What made me feel even sillier afterwards was the fact that I actually had shorts on underneath. Oh, the irony. Still, it was quite a bonding moment when we were putting on our socks and couldn't really feel our feet. I had forgotten how essential shoes were to our survival - those rocks hurt.

Frankly, I have to say I was somewhat disappointed by Narnia. I guess I've been spoiled by the coasts of Taiwan or something. Still, I'd do it again. After returning and playing some B-ball with Ken, I suddenly realized that I still had my rock. Well actually it was after our "cook-in". (originally supposed to be a cook-out because of bad weather. It ended up being a glorious day) Because there were at least 8 different kinds of delicious creamer, there was always an excuse to go grab a mug of coffee or hot chocolate, and sit at a table for hours. (I'd say tens of minutes but that's not dramatic enough) I was kind of amused by how strongly Margaret and Ken reacted when I told them it was my birthday sort of off-handedly. "Hoo-what?! Why didn't you say anything?!"

Well, I'm shy. What can I say. Seriously though, I didn't feel like making a big deal about it, especially after I'd heard horror stories of "tarring and feathering" from upperclassmen. Ultimately, I think it was the lack of access to Facebook that allowed me to enjoy a rather quiet birthday revelation with friends. I swear, there's so much pressure to remember to write on somebody's wall because Facebook keeps telling you when somebody's another year closer to death. I can't remember why we were even talking about birthdays in the first place. I think it's because we were talking about siblings, and how our parents felt about us leaving home for college.

Me, I had already lived away from home for quite some time (4 years of high school, 2 years in Ann Arbor) so it wasn't really anything new, but I think my parents' reaction was definitely different when I came to the States after graduation. There is definitely something to be said about living somewhat close to home. On the other hand, if you come from a family of 4 kids then the first thing going through your parents' heads is apparently "1 down, 3 to go." Being in-state must be nice, if only because you're able to see your parents more than once a year or two.

At any rate, after listening to abbreviated stories from my post-dinner chat companions, I felt that it was time to chuck the rock. In part it's because I've always been somewhat enticed by a steady walk along Christianity's path; something I never really had. Being in Taiwan for 7 years really shaped my outlook on spiritual issues, and sometimes I envied my friends who had grown up in the church and stayed there. But regardless, I was now here at the same place as everyone else, and my heart had to show the same convictions as my actions did. So before going off to play soccer before evening exposition, I heaved the rock into the lake. It probably could have gone farther, I dunno. I didn't feel like injuring my arm.

It felt great. In Matthew, Jesus talks about 2 different gates. Nowhere does he say that the destination is immediately after the gate. There's a wide gate, and a narrow one. There are easy Christian roads, and the same can be said about life in general - our comfort zone. The road of sanctification is not hard. The crowd listening to the sermon on the mount is not in their comfort zone, and neither was I throughout the week when I examined my own heart. We're told to commit ourselves to a life that's hard. Can you honestly say, "I need you Lord?"

I think I can. I went through the narrow gate, and laid a foundation. There were many moments, spiritual moments this week that really strengthened my faith in God and in other Christians. We went through Chapter Prayer Time each night, praying about various issues that needed our attention. We endlessly went over how the name change would affect the way we do things and what it meant for the fellowship especially in terms of outreach. We prayed for the growth of each other and AIV. Perhaps we were all apprehensive and nervous, but it was all for a good cause and when God calls you to leave your comfort zone, you do it.

And so on the last night I went up and talked about my experiences in front of everybody. That had to be one of the most nerve-wracking experiences ever. Normally I'm good about speaking in public, but nothing really came out. I said all the stereotypical Christian things about how God had spoke to me this week, but that wasn't what I wanted to say. Perhaps I just couldn't express how deeply I had been touched, and how my entire life had been changed by this week. No, it wasn't just this week. It was this entire semester, surrounded by this wonderful group of Christians, always prodding me to go further up and further in. And so I took the first step, and that has been all the difference.

Hell, I even changed by Facebook religious views to "Christian". Previously, it had said "FSM is underrepresented in classrooms." (FSM stands for Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's a long story.) Realistically significant? Not really. Symbolically significant? Well, I never was the kind of guy to wear his faith on an armband so this is actually a really big deal for me. Yeah, go ahead and laugh. It's part of my challenge.