Corporal Punishment
I've been blessed with great parents. Normally this isn't something you think about, until you consider the different ways various parents treat their children. My brother and I are what most people would consider to be fairly well-behaved, obedient children. In high school I was sometimes asked by my classmates why I would do certain "good" things, or not do certain things that might be considered "bad" yet desirable. Part of the answer may have been that we were brought up in the Church for a fair amount of time in our childhood - yet I believe that essentially this is an issue of parenting, rather than religious upbringing and belief. I've seen my share of atheist parents who raised awesome kids, and my share of religious parents whose kids turned out to be abominations. And of course, I've seen the reverse as well.
The root of good parenting is love, but in addition there is something that is sadly overlooked - reason and logic. I believe that this was an important part of how my parents' philosophy which led them to never spank my brother and I. Of course, I have heard the infamous phrase, "spare the rod, spoil the child." In essence, it means that by not physically punishing your children when they make mistakes, you are not helping them but rather ruining/spoiling them.
To me, this is an admission of parenting inadequacy. When a parent spanks their child, they have given up on reason, and are inadvertently saying, "You cannot be reasoned with." Why else would you choose to spank your son/daughter (assuming you aren't a sadist) if you could use a method other than force? By spanking, you are telling them that you have more confidence in force than reason; something which is perhaps reflected in our foreign policy. You're telling your child that they won't understand any other reason not to do something (or to do something) unless you physically pound it in or out of them. I'm not trying to bash on parents that do spank their kids. I will readily admit that my perspective is colored primarily from my own personal experience, and anecdotal stories from friends, and I *could* be wrong. But I hope not.
It is not merely enough to get a child to obey; rather it is crucial that the child understands the reasons not to do something besides fear of punishment. Example: "Don't throw your mashed potatoes on the floor" compared to "Why do you think throwing your mashed potatoes on the floor might be a bad thing to do?" Most of the time, the kid knows very well what it means to be an insensitive jerk. At least that's been my experience, particularly when I was the child. It's extremely uncomfortable to actually be challenged on it - for many kids, it's in fact easier to just take a few smacks for it than be forced to think about what they did, and why.
Something I've gleamed from other people (Asians, in particular) regarding spanking - since I don't have any personal experience - is that there is basically one "positive" result/correlation, which is immediate obedience. Sure, it'll work for the moment, but what about the rest of their lives? This is not to say that you are supposed to ignore transgressions by your children (or that of other children, for that matter), but physically punishing or intimidating them isn't the way to do it.
My 7-year old cousin loves to play Super Mario on his Nintendo DS, he loves to eat candy, he loves to play with his Legos... these are privileges that he enjoys - and as privileges, they can be revoked - unlike rights. His parents can decide how available these things and activities should be based on his behavior. My anecdotal experience says that withholding of privileges is quite effective. What would you choose, no StarCraft for a week or a spanking? (Feel free to replace StarCraft with your own fun activity)
Of course, you have to follow through. On the other side of coin, when your kid does something right, you have to affirm that they have indeed done something good. In the past when people asked me how my parents were able to bring me up to be so "ideal" (Note: these things are relative, of course. In Taiwan, a common standard for ideal was how obedient I was), I really didn't know what to say; I had no idea how they did it. Religion didn't and doesn't seem to be an adequate or realistic solution - it's not enough to say, "Live a Christian life and your kids will too." We're all human, and it goes without saying that of course we can't live without sinning. Am I rejecting the potential positive result of living in a true family of faith? Not necessarily, but hiding behind the excuse of religion is merely avoiding the problem, and more often than not it turns into a, "Well in theory it could be done in this way, but you're doing it wrong and so the theory is still perfect."
No, the key was that I think our parents either consciously or unconsciously treated us as if they were trying to raise children who were slowly maturing in to autonomous adults. Mere discipline is not enough, the goal ought to be self-discipline. They didn't assume that a concept or a moral was too difficult for us to grasp, they didn't feel that a good guideline in life would have to be taught through force, and they knew that their children felt the worst when they sensed strong disapproval for something they'd done wrong.
I'm forever grateful for them, and I hope that if I have kids of my own, they'll be able to say the same thing about their mother and I.
The root of good parenting is love, but in addition there is something that is sadly overlooked - reason and logic. I believe that this was an important part of how my parents' philosophy which led them to never spank my brother and I. Of course, I have heard the infamous phrase, "spare the rod, spoil the child." In essence, it means that by not physically punishing your children when they make mistakes, you are not helping them but rather ruining/spoiling them.
To me, this is an admission of parenting inadequacy. When a parent spanks their child, they have given up on reason, and are inadvertently saying, "You cannot be reasoned with." Why else would you choose to spank your son/daughter (assuming you aren't a sadist) if you could use a method other than force? By spanking, you are telling them that you have more confidence in force than reason; something which is perhaps reflected in our foreign policy. You're telling your child that they won't understand any other reason not to do something (or to do something) unless you physically pound it in or out of them. I'm not trying to bash on parents that do spank their kids. I will readily admit that my perspective is colored primarily from my own personal experience, and anecdotal stories from friends, and I *could* be wrong. But I hope not.
It is not merely enough to get a child to obey; rather it is crucial that the child understands the reasons not to do something besides fear of punishment. Example: "Don't throw your mashed potatoes on the floor" compared to "Why do you think throwing your mashed potatoes on the floor might be a bad thing to do?" Most of the time, the kid knows very well what it means to be an insensitive jerk. At least that's been my experience, particularly when I was the child. It's extremely uncomfortable to actually be challenged on it - for many kids, it's in fact easier to just take a few smacks for it than be forced to think about what they did, and why.
Something I've gleamed from other people (Asians, in particular) regarding spanking - since I don't have any personal experience - is that there is basically one "positive" result/correlation, which is immediate obedience. Sure, it'll work for the moment, but what about the rest of their lives? This is not to say that you are supposed to ignore transgressions by your children (or that of other children, for that matter), but physically punishing or intimidating them isn't the way to do it.
My 7-year old cousin loves to play Super Mario on his Nintendo DS, he loves to eat candy, he loves to play with his Legos... these are privileges that he enjoys - and as privileges, they can be revoked - unlike rights. His parents can decide how available these things and activities should be based on his behavior. My anecdotal experience says that withholding of privileges is quite effective. What would you choose, no StarCraft for a week or a spanking? (Feel free to replace StarCraft with your own fun activity)
Of course, you have to follow through. On the other side of coin, when your kid does something right, you have to affirm that they have indeed done something good. In the past when people asked me how my parents were able to bring me up to be so "ideal" (Note: these things are relative, of course. In Taiwan, a common standard for ideal was how obedient I was), I really didn't know what to say; I had no idea how they did it. Religion didn't and doesn't seem to be an adequate or realistic solution - it's not enough to say, "Live a Christian life and your kids will too." We're all human, and it goes without saying that of course we can't live without sinning. Am I rejecting the potential positive result of living in a true family of faith? Not necessarily, but hiding behind the excuse of religion is merely avoiding the problem, and more often than not it turns into a, "Well in theory it could be done in this way, but you're doing it wrong and so the theory is still perfect."
No, the key was that I think our parents either consciously or unconsciously treated us as if they were trying to raise children who were slowly maturing in to autonomous adults. Mere discipline is not enough, the goal ought to be self-discipline. They didn't assume that a concept or a moral was too difficult for us to grasp, they didn't feel that a good guideline in life would have to be taught through force, and they knew that their children felt the worst when they sensed strong disapproval for something they'd done wrong.
I'm forever grateful for them, and I hope that if I have kids of my own, they'll be able to say the same thing about their mother and I.
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