Hard Habit

It really is hard to begin a true habit, namely writing a diary. I hung out with some friends today, and figured I’d write something about it. The plan was to have lunch together, which was good. However, I was informed of the plan after I had already eaten lunch, which was less than ideal. But hey, there’s always room at the table. Jesse just returned to Taiwan from the University of Georgia, and had decided to come and visit Maji, who currently is still sightless.

When I got to Maji’s place I was pleasantly surprised to see Michael, though it took my brain a few seconds to realize who it was because he seemed so much smaller than before. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I swear he’s gotten thinner. Jesse grew out his hair, and appears to have mellowed somewhat ever since going to college in the States. It was sort of amusing how Maji couldn’t get over Jesse’s indiscretions with Hannah, and he kept repeating it over and over again. In part it’s because he still has some problems with short-term memory, but it’s also because it’s a big deal to him. From a certain point of view I feel a bit sad when I go visit him, either by myself or with other high school friends because it feels like that’s where his life was put on hiatus. In a sense, I really feel like he’s living in the past, but who can blame him? Nearly all of his current friends were from back then, his memories of people and what Holistic was like were all from back then, and that’s still how he sees things today. I feel that it may be a very long time before he can let go of it and walk forward, especially if his eyesight does not improve.

Still, I enjoy visiting him. For the first time I sort of understand what it’s like to have lived in one place for a very long time – to have childhood friends that you grew up with. If I think about it, I’ve known Maji for nearly 10 years now, and it’s really been interesting watching him grow. Of course, this might sound a bit strange, like I’m his Dad talking about how much the son has grown but really, that’s how it feels. I remember a few years back his parents were considering sending him to the same high school that I went to, and decided to consult me before doing so. I said that in an experimental school such as ours maturation and growth would really depend on the child, and how much effort he was willing to put into whatever he did. In a nutshell, it was about motivation. And so, he went and inevitably his parents predictably worried because he wasn’t meeting their expectations.

It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. I’d always had this strange sensation when we were doing “recruitment” for our high school. No matter where you go, there will always be this written or unwritten designation as to who is “elite”, or at least a generally accepted positive image. This was the face that we’d put out every single time – the sort of kid who seemed to have it all together, who could sing, dance, act, organize, fundraise, edit film, and at the same time still do well in school. Parents would see us and generally would feel inspired. “I want my child to be like that!” Yes ma’am, so do I but it’s not an automated factory-like process. But most of the time parents will still have some sort of ideal path laid out in their head, and eventually this tension builds up, and depending on whether or not the parents communicate with their kid (or vice versa), this leads to either an explosion, reconciliation, or just lack of acknowledgment.

I received the phone call last year during Chapter Focus Week from Mom telling me what had happened to Maji – he was in Italy, and at the time we had thought it was a stroke. I still can’t really describe exactly what happened to him, but either way he hasn’t been able to see out of his eyes since then. Still, his condition has consistently improved since waking up from the coma, and that’s always encouraging. Sometimes you just have to look at things relatively.

Also, Evita was there – at first I hadn’t recognized her either just because I hadn’t expected it. I was only completely sure after I saw her kid. I actually hadn’t noticed him when I first walked into Maji’s apartment because… well, he’s like 2 ½ years old and I wasn’t looking down towards my feet. So we went and had lunch, then coming back to my apartment not really doing anything, just talking. I don’t think there’s much sense in simply recording everything that happened in your diary – the important thing is to write down the feelings and thoughts you had so you won’t forget them in the future.

Life is never the same once you have a kid. I think Jon Stewart said something along those lines once, but I can’t remember why. Regardless of why he said it, it’s the truth. To be honest I don’t think I’d given Evita enough credit before for her decision to have her child – to be sure I felt that she had more guts than most of us because given the same situation I would have preferred an abortion. But once you do make your own decision (and this is crucial, the ability to make your own decision is the fundamental core of a pro-choice stance), you have to stick with it. And for some reason, I was captivated. I think in a way it was because these are the sorts of issues we discuss in abstract at the University, and during fellowship meetings with AIV sometimes we’ll talk about pro-life or pro-choice stances and what not, and while never definitively, I feel that there’s a true preference for the “pro-life” side. But anyway, I feel that normally it’s still all theorycrafting. And really, that’s natural if you don’t make any extra effort to go outside of your comfort zone – most of my friends are Christians who have generally stayed on the “path” and thus haven’t come up with complications like teen pregnancy. My guess is that none of them have had to go through the process personally, and probably don’t know anyone in real life that did.

Respect.

This one word was hovering around in my mind the entire afternoon after everyone went home. I really have mad respect for her – this paradigm shift is a difficult one that not everyone can accomplish successfully. As you grow older and more mature you also become more observant; you notice things that went overlooked before and if you’re lucky, you’ll also understand the reasons. Evita was driving a van – generally, kids our age prefer scooters – they’re easier to park, can navigate Taiwan’s treacherous traffic more effectively, have better gas mileage, are cheaper, and are more hip, depending on who you’re talking to. However, you can’t have an infant as a passenger on a scooter, and thus she was driving a van with a car seat for her kid.

And to think with one little slip up that could’ve been me. Life is indeed fragile.

I’d be writing more about that day, but I lost my train of thought.